Sixty-five year old cross dressers? Bombs? Venomous snakes? Murderers? Charging Bison? Who would have thought the life of an appraiser could be so full of adventures?   

What most people fail to realize is that, like other high-risk jobs, appraisers enter the homes of strangers without a clue as to what we may encounter. We drive into inner cities, remote ranchland rich in wildlife, and meet characters of all sorts, good and bad.  These are true stories.  They will soon be available in small collections.   The names and/or places have been changed per privacy laws.  Here is a snippet from one very interesting experience.  Enjoy.

“Is the attic access in there?” I asked.

“Yeh, you want to see inside?”

“That would be terrific," I lied as I watched him adjust his crotch.  He was way too excited about this little game of show and tell.

“OK, now you get to see the hardware.”

In my mid-western ‘baseball mom’ mentality I assumed he meant hammers, drills, screwdrivers, nuts and bolts. Imagine my surprise when he threw open the double doors and the closet was filled with machine guns, handguns and ammunition of all sorts. With a quick glance I counted at least ten large weapons, a possible uzi and a drawer full of smaller handguns. This man had my name, my phone number and knew what kind of car I drove. His house was an arsenal. Talk about feeling pressure to meet value! With a nonchalance I didn't feel I pretended that I saw weapons like that everyday.  He was seeking the shock factor and I wasn't going to give it to him.  I checked the attic access and told him he could lock it up again.

“OK, he leered. “I don’t show too many people my guns.”

“No I imagine not,” I said with a casual everyday tone I didn’t feel. “Now I need to see the kitchen.”

“Wait ‘till you see what I’ve got in there,” he quipped.  He radiated anticipation.

Visions of grenade launchers flitted through my brain but the kitchen looked ordinary enough if somewhat dated. Harvest gold appliances and an orange counter-top. All were in average condition when I considered their age. It was neat as a pin.

“Would you like to see what’s in the freezer?” he asked. Somehow I knew I didn't have a choice in the matter. I just hoped it wasn’t somebody’s head.