I woke at about 4:30 this morning. Instead of getting up I decided to tuck myself further under the blankets and shut my eyes for a few more minutes. Half awake, half asleep I dreamed of my father. He was there, in a younger form than I remembered, chatting away about something I couldn’t understand. In the dream I was busy with some sort of task, listening with half an ear. He was active, animated. I could hear his voice. I couldn’t grasp a single word.

Half an hour later I poured myself from the bed, let out the dogs and heated water for tea. Same routine as every day. Today I was to be industrious, exciting, dynamic. Things to do and people to speak with. Instead I felt irritated, disgruntled, angry, and lonely.

Three unproductive hours later I took a book from the shelf. It was one in a collection of books my father kept over the years on the task of authorship. This one was called “Quotations with an Attitude.” I was looking for inspiration of SOME KIND. 

I thumbed through a few pages. The book is divided into categories of quotes. I read a few but nothing thrilled me. I randomly turned to page thirty-one. The category was “Last Words.” I was overcome with emotion. What were dad’s last words? I couldn’t remember. I was the last one to speak with him in any coherent way. I remember he was lying in bed and I was at his computer showing him photos on the large monitor from our lives in Samoa. He said a few words now and again as I scrolled through the images. He dozed more than participated. I woke him and helped him eat a bit.

That evening he lapsed into unconsciousness. The following days were battles with the ICU staff, doctors and many trips back and forth watching him quickly decline and finally die. 

I wanted him to wake up and tell me he loved me. I wanted him to look at me and tell me it would be ok and that he was all right. I wanted to hear him say something that would be meaningful into my life going forward. I realized today that I couldn’t remember his last words. As in my dream I must not have been listening.